Happy Halloween Tricks

By Dr. Felix Gmo, E.S.E (Evil Scientist Extraordinaire)

     With Halloween just around the corner I would like to take this time to ensure that all the little girls and boys who will be missing out on the traditional public display of candy craziness this year get their share of loot from the safe confines of their own isolation chambers, er “homes.” (As well as ensure the profits of the multinational corporations that pay me to shill their products, heh, heh, heh.)

     The most important thing to remember is that regular candy—made from hundreds of wonderful ingredients derived from genetically altered corn, soy, sugar beets and canola—is perfectly safe, both for your little monsters and for the environment. Don’t worry at all about the possibility of glyphosate residues—fake news! And worry even less about harm to pollinators like bees and other bugs from all the insecticides and herbicides used to grow GMOs. Who needs these creepy, crawlies anyway? Fruits and vegetables are way overrated, so no problem if production of those goes down by 2/3 because we achieve a pollinator-free world.

          So, here’s my list of Halloween don’ts.  Don’t go to your local natural foods store, but if you do, resist the temptation to buy “organic” candy. Your munchkins need the artificial colors, flavors and preservatives in supermarket candy to grow up to be just like me! And what better way for them to celebrate Mary Shelley’s favorite holiday than with the GMOs in Frankenfoods!

     And finally, if you’re thinking apples instead of sweeter treats, absolutely don’t buy those pesticide-free organic apples. The apple the evil Queen gave to Sleeping Beauty certainly wasn’t organic, now was it?

     Thanks for listening. My corporate backers know you’ll do the right thing.